At The End of Myself...

I thought I had grieved before in my life, but I was wrong. I had no idea. Never before have I felt such despair. Overwhelming, uncontrollable misery. If it can actually be worse, I hope I never experience it. It had been building for weeks, eating away at me, and today it reached the boiling point. All day I had momentary lapses of control, but I held it together for the most part. But then I was on my way home, and I could feel it building inside. With each step from the bus stop, I felt as if I would collapse, and the closer I got to the apartment, the worse it got. Barely making it up the stairs, I reached the landing and somehow entered the lock combination.

I had my Ipod on, and I know God was in control of it. He was speaking to me through the song. With the closing of the door, the dam burst. I dropped my things and collapsed onto the floor. Waves of deep sobs and uncontrollable shaking enveloped me. I've cried before, but I've never really been controlled by it. Not until now. I was a passenger. Over and over it emptied out of me. And all the while I heard these words in my ears:

O rest in the Lord.
Wait patiently for Him,
and He shall give thee thy hearts desires.
O rest in the Lord.
Wait patiently for Him,
and He shall give thee thy hearts desires.
Commit thy way unto Him and trust in Him.
Commit thy way unto Him and trust in Him.
And fret not thyself because of evil doers.
O rest in the Lord. Wait patiently for Him.

I have read similar words lately everywhere it seems, and I thought I knew what He was saying to me. Now I have no idea, but I know He means it. God took me in His arms and held me while I sobbed. He still holds me as I write this. I sobbed and wailed until I was empty, and then I sobbed some more. I was at the end of myself, and He was there. All my plans are gone, but I have more than I had before. Tears still come and my throat wants to cry out, but I've discovered something already. At the end of myself...

...that's where I find real peace.